By Alice D. Hoag, EdD
Caring for a child with cancer is one of the most challenging experiences any parent can face. The emotional toll on caregivers is immense, often leading to feelings of burnout and strain on marital relationships.
It’s crucial for both partners to stay aligned in their approach to caregiving. Even though they each have their own unique relationship with the child, they may have different outlooks on life and different emotional-regulation styles. It’s vital for partners to stay connected as a couple, despite possibly having different love languages or expressions of their affection for each other.
Here are some tips:
- Respect Differences
Acknowledge that each partner may cope differently with this stress and trauma. One may be more hands-on with medical care, while the other provides emotional support. One may need to take a leave of absence while the other increases their work responsibilities to make ends meet. One may need greater physical/sexual intimacy during this season of distress. One of the most important things you can do is respect and value these differences and figure out a way to honor each person’s needs.
- Avoid Blame
Cancer is no one’s fault. Blaming oneself or one’s partner is a futile expression of anger, a waste of energy. It won’t take the cancer away, and it won’t make it easier to navigate; it only creates division and exhaustion.
- Unified Front
Let love and respect for each other be the strongest elements in your relationship with one another. Present to your child that you are a unified team of love and safety for them, that both of you love your child in your own unique way, both of you are determined to keep your child safe, and both of you are working tirelessly toward your child’s healing.
- Regular Check-Ins
While time together is scarce at best, especially during the early stages of diagnosis and treatment, making time to stay connected with each other is essential. You are partners on this journey, not just co-workers. Schedule regular check-ins to discuss your child’s care, your feelings, thoughts and concerns, and how to juggle all the other responsibilities. This helps ensure that both partners are informed and involved.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate
In case you missed it with that last point, communicating with each other is an absolute necessity! Communicating proactively and intentionally can be difficult when you’re both stressed, scared, and have no time. Give yourself and your partner permission to miss something important because you/they were multi-tasking and simply weren’t able to pay attention. Ask the other to repeat what was just said or offer to repeat what you just said without irritation, gently and with compassion. You are both most likely doing the very best you know how at this moment.
- Set Boundaries
Establish boundaries to protect your relationship. For example, designate certain times as “couple time” where you focus on each other and not on caregiving duties or on the heaviness of cancer.
- Delegate
Lean on your support network. It is not uncommon for friends and family to express a desire to come alongside to help. Since most have probably never experienced the devastation and overwhelm of caring for a child with cancer, this help is often so vague that it feels more like an obligation than a help. (“Let me know how I can help.”) I often hear from clients that they have no bandwidth to come up with ways people can help, so they end up not utilizing the help being offered. Try to keep a list on your phone of small to large things people can help you with: making meals for those at home; running errands for things you or your partner may want at the hospital; taking care of your pet(s); babysitting your other children; play dates, or parties; providing lawn care, etc.
- Seek Support and Professional Help
CURE Childhood Cancer is a rich resource of support for those on this journey; take advantage of all the services and support they offer. Many of my clients tell me they appreciate talking with a counselor rather than their friends/family because they “don’t want to burden them” with their painful journey all the time and would prefer keeping these relationships as distractions from the heaviness of cancer. Counselors are unbiased third parties who are trained to handle trauma and challenging emotions.
If you or your family needs support during your cancer journey, please contact Chelsea Key at [email protected].
