Contributed by: *Mark R. Zuccolo, Ph.D., LMFT
(updated 2/10/25)
Childhood Cancer and Parent Relationships
When parents are involved in the care of a child with cancer, they experience both positive and negative changes in their relationships, communication, stress, and roles.
Emotions such as anxiety, guilt, anger, and distress ebb and flow during the course of the child’s illness. These emotions are felt and expressed by all family members, often more overtly by mothers and children. The child’s cancer affects the family’s need for care, self-esteem, social interaction, and functioning. Consequently, parents may find it necessary to change or modify their family roles to cope with the demands of their child’s illness.
There are variations in the impact of the child’s illness on the mother/father relationship. While some relationships are weakened by these extremely stressful circumstances, others are strengthened during the cancer experience.
The Impact of Childhood Cancer on Couples: A Complex Journey
According to an extensive 2010 integrative review of parents of children diagnosed with cancer by DaSilva, Jacob, and Nascimento, time since diagnosis appears to be an important factor in the couple’s relationship. Many of the changes occur shortly after diagnosis. However, when the child has been ill for 1 year many parents report fewer changes in their relationships. After 2 or 3 years, many couples report positive changes. After 4 years or more, most parents note little to no additional changes. In times of the child’s remission, family life is likely to return to normal, and couples note a sense of their strengthened relationship. If the child’s cancer relapses, however, the entire crisis process can be reestablished. Some couples report greater emotional closeness, while others realize that their adverse circumstances simply reveal the marriage’s strengths and weaknesses.
Common Relationship Challenges Faced by Parents of Children With Cancer
Both men and women may experience a range of challenges as they navigate the emotional and practical demands of caring for their child:
Mother’s Issues
- May feel that the adverse and stressful circumstances generated by the child’s illness are weakening the connection with their partner
- May expect fathers to help with caring for the sick child and managing the daily routine, but feel overwhelmed and frustrated when this doesn’t happen
- May feel that their role as wife is replaced by the caregiver role during the illness
- May focus on being physically present with the child, while neglecting their own needs and desires
Father’s Issues
- May feel burdened by their jobs and want downtime away from work
- May find it difficult to acknowledge their weaknesses and vulnerability in moments of grief and loss
- May repress fear and inner conflict, perceiving that they are socially expected to show strength and courage
- May not share their uncertainties and feelings of difficulties with their wives because they may be afraid of appearing weak
Couple’s Issues
High-stress factors can produce negative changes in couples’ relationships:
- Parents’ intimate relationship and sexuality may worsen for almost half of the couples surveyed
- Couples may invest most of their physical and emotional energy in their child’s illness, leaving little or no time and energy for intimacy and leisure activities
- Difficulties in communication appear frequently in parents of a child with cancer, which can lead to conflicts, communication problems, and lack of alignment between parents
- Each spouse may deal with the child in their own way and feel that they cannot meet the other parent’s needs, leading to conflicting needs that must be reconciled through communication and negotiation
The Importance of Partnership and Emotional Availability in the Face of Childhood Cancer
Difficulties in communication appear frequently in parents of a child with cancer. Healthcare professionals may be able to identify parents at risk for developing conflicts, communication problems, and lack of alignment between parents that could interfere with providing optimal care for their child with cancer. If these symptoms are observed, they should be addressed, preferably in counseling.
Both partners need to be comfortable and flexible in dealing with these role changes by emphasizing the importance of working together in a partnership, as a team, independently of how roles are shared. It is important to be emotionally available for each other, whether separated or together. Bonds are strengthened when the couple is together, and they individually suffer in each other’s absence. Despite the inevitable tensions, couples can share strategies for handling situations as they emerge, and they mutually provide encouragement and support for each other.
Learn More About CURE’s Counseling Program
If your relationship has been impacted by a childhood cancer diagnosis, we would love to be a counseling resource for you. CURE’s Counseling Program has sessions available for patients, parents, and siblings. Please submit a counseling form (HIPAA compliant) and we will be in touch.
* Dr. Mark R. Zuccolo, Ph.D., LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, counselor, and behavioral coach. Dr. Zuccolo helps individuals, couples, and families overcome dysfunctional thinking and behavior patterns, empowering them to make more balanced and realistic choices about themselves, their world, and their future.
