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Cure
In CURE Childhood Cancer, Family & Patient Support, Nursing & Caregivers

Securing Our Own Oxygen Mask First

By: Shawn Murphy

The classic illustration is to think of it the same way you would think of the safety instructions when you board a jetliner with your child.  If a situation arises inflight, we are instructed to first secure our own oxygen mask before trying to place an oxygen mask on our child.  We’ve all heard the announcement. “In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will deploy… to secure pull the mask toward you, secure the elastic strap… please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others.”

When caregiving for a child or family confronted with the seemingly unrelenting challenges of cancer, it is even more important than ever to be intentional in taking care of ourselves…first.  For most of us, this can feel counterintuitive, perhaps even selfish.  After all, aren’t we by definition providers, protectors, and caregivers?  We’re at a stage of life where we’re generally less used to being on the receiving side of care than on the giving side.

The truth is that if we want to do the very best job possible caring for our child and our family over the long haul, it is in everyone’s best interest that we are regularly investing the necessary time to maintain our personal health and wellness.  Moreover, since our essence as human beings is body, mind, and spirit, the regular maintenance of these three vital life elements should be reflected to some degree each and every day if only for brief moments.

Signs that we may be in trouble as caregivers include being irritable or overwhelmed, changes in sleep patterns, feeling tired all of the time, gaining or losing a lot of weight, or a lack of interest or apathy toward activities we previously loved.

When we see these signs in ourselves, it is important to take some time to visit with a properly vetted and trusted professional, such as a physician (body), counselor (mind, emotions, behavioral), and/or faith leader (spirit) and apply some of the tips below to help prioritize your own health.

 

Accept help when it is offered.

Most people genuinely do want to help.  If you can’t allow anyone to actually watch your sick child, prepare a list of things you are comfortable allowing people to help with.  Maybe someone could run some errands for you, pick up your groceries or bring you dinner.  Whatever it is, let someone else take some of the burden from your shoulders.

Make a plan to care for your own physical health. 

We need to maintain adequate nutritional status, set priorities on getting enough sleep whenever possible and add exercise (even if it is as simple as a brisk walk 3 to 5 times each week) to help reduce the toll of stress on our body.

If you are on prescription medications, be sure to keep up with taking them on schedule, refilling them on time, and scheduling any follow-up appointments with your own physician to manage your health issues.  It is helpful to schedule such recurring reminders into our phone’s calendar so that we don’t lose track of time.

Make a plan to care for your emotional and mental health.

When faced with a traumatic experience, other areas of our life that were once “manageable” sometimes become “unmanageable”.  It is not unusual for anxiety and depression to begin to mount.  It is always preferable to seek professional counsel and support before an emotional mood disorder(s) can take root; not only for ourselves but for our children and family as well.

  • If we get depressed, it may affect our children adversely.
  • The reverse is also true: when we do what it takes to be happy ourselves, our children reap the benefits.
  • Emotions, in general, are contagious.

 

If you find that you continue to be overwhelmed and depressed, please take the issue to your physician or counselor right away.  Again, it is quite common for caregivers to experience depression and some may need more than just these simple behavioral changes to get through it.  PLEASE, take care of yourselves so that you can continue to take care of others.

 

Shawn Murphy, M.A. is an ordained pastor and serves as Director of Community Development at the Summit Counseling Center in Johns Creek, GA.

 

Cure
In Family & Patient Support

Hidden Impact of Childhood Cancer: Your Relationship

a family impacted by childhood cancer

Contributed by: *Mark R. Zuccolo, Ph.D., LMFT

(updated 2/10/25)

Childhood Cancer and Parent Relationships

When parents are involved in the care of a child with cancer, they experience both positive and negative changes in their relationships, communication, stress, and roles.

Emotions such as anxiety, guilt, anger, and distress ebb and flow during the course of the child’s illness. These emotions are felt and expressed by all family members, often more overtly by mothers and children. The child’s cancer  affects the family’s need for care, self-esteem, social interaction, and functioning. Consequently, parents may find it necessary to change or modify their family roles to cope with the demands of their child’s illness.

There are variations in the impact of the child’s illness on the mother/father relationship. While some relationships are weakened by these extremely stressful circumstances, others are strengthened during the cancer experience.

The Impact of Childhood Cancer on Couples: A Complex Journey

According to an extensive 2010 integrative review of parents of children diagnosed with cancer by DaSilva, Jacob, and Nascimento, time since diagnosis appears to be an important factor in the couple’s relationship. Many of the changes occur shortly after diagnosis. However, when the child has been ill for 1 year many parents report fewer changes in their relationships. After 2 or 3 years, many couples report positive changes. After 4 years or more, most parents note little to no additional changes. In times of the child’s remission, family life is likely to return to normal, and couples note a sense of their strengthened relationship. If the child’s cancer relapses, however, the entire crisis process can be reestablished. Some couples report greater emotional closeness, while others realize that their adverse circumstances simply reveal the marriage’s strengths and weaknesses.

Common Relationship Challenges Faced by Parents of Children With Cancer

Both men and women may experience a range of challenges as they navigate the emotional and practical demands of caring for their child:

Mother’s Issues
  • May feel that the adverse and stressful circumstances generated by the child’s illness are weakening the connection with their partner
  • May expect fathers to help with caring for the sick child and managing the daily routine, but feel overwhelmed and frustrated when this doesn’t happen
  • May feel that their role as wife is replaced by the caregiver role during the illness
  • May focus on being physically present with the child, while neglecting their own needs and desires
Father’s Issues
  • May feel burdened by their jobs and want downtime away from work
  • May find it difficult to acknowledge their weaknesses and vulnerability in moments of grief and loss
  • May repress fear and inner conflict, perceiving that they are socially expected to show strength and courage
  • May not share their uncertainties and feelings of difficulties with their wives because they may be afraid of appearing weak
Couple’s Issues

High-stress factors can produce negative changes in couples’ relationships:

  • Parents’ intimate relationship and sexuality may worsen for almost half of the couples surveyed
  • Couples may invest most of their physical and emotional energy in their child’s illness, leaving little or no time and energy for intimacy and leisure activities
  • Difficulties in communication appear frequently in parents of a child with cancer, which can lead to conflicts, communication problems, and lack of alignment between parents
  • Each spouse may deal with the child in their own way and feel that they cannot meet the other parent’s needs, leading to conflicting needs that must be reconciled through communication and negotiation

​​The Importance of Partnership and Emotional Availability in the Face of Childhood Cancer

Difficulties in communication appear frequently in parents of a child with cancer. Healthcare professionals may be able to identify parents at risk for developing conflicts, communication problems, and lack of alignment between parents that could interfere with providing optimal care for their child with cancer.  If these symptoms are observed, they should be addressed, preferably in counseling.

Both partners need to be comfortable and flexible in dealing with these role changes by emphasizing the importance of working together in a partnership, as a team, independently of how roles are shared.  It is important to be emotionally available for each other, whether separated or together. Bonds are strengthened when the couple is together, and they individually suffer in each other’s absence. Despite the inevitable tensions, couples can share strategies for handling situations as they emerge, and they mutually provide encouragement and support for each other.

Learn More About CURE’s Counseling Program

If your relationship has been impacted by a childhood cancer diagnosis, we would love to be a counseling resource for you. CURE’s Counseling Program  has sessions available for patients, parents, and siblings. Please submit a counseling form (HIPAA compliant) and we will be in touch.

 

* Dr. Mark R. Zuccolo, Ph.D., LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, counselor, and behavioral coach. Dr. Zuccolo helps individuals, couples, and families overcome dysfunctional thinking and behavior patterns, empowering them to make more balanced and realistic choices about themselves, their world, and their future.