How to Talk to My Child About Cancer: A Five-Step Guide
Contributed By: *Carleen Newsome, MS, LPC, CPCS, ACS
Talking to a child about their cancer diagnosis can be a challenging and emotional conversation, but it’s a crucial step in helping them understand and cope with their diagnosis. By following the five steps outlined in this guide, you can help you and your child feel more informed, empowered, and supported throughout the cancer journey.
1. Receive the Diagnosis
Every parent’s worst nightmare is to hear the words, “Your child has cancer”. The news sends shock waves throughout our body, mind, and spirit. As we struggle to come to terms with this devastating diagnosis, we’re faced with a daunting question: “How do I break the news to my child?”
When Your Child is Informed Alongside You
If your child is with you when you receive the diagnosis, it’s crucial to:
- Acknowledge their presence and emotions
- Be honest with them about what you’re feeling and what you don’t know
- Let them know that you’ll work together to find out more and keep them informed as you learn more
This approach helps your child feel included and supported, and can help you build trust and understanding as you navigate this challenging time together.
When Your Child is Not Present When You Receive the Diagnosis
If your child is not with you when you receive the diagnosis, it’s still important to:
- Take a moment to process your emotions and gather your thoughts
- When you’re ready, share the news with your child in a way that’s appropriate for their age and understanding
- Be honest with them about what you’re feeling and what you don’t know
- Let them know that you’ll work together to find out more and keep them informed as you learn more
This approach helps your child feel supported and included, even if they weren’t present when you received the diagnosis.
2. Take Control: Research & Preparation
By being proactive and doing your research, you can take control of the situation and make informed decisions that will help your child receive the best possible care.
Write down questions to ask your child’s doctor, such as:
- What is the diagnosis and what does it mean?
- What are the treatment options and potential side effects?
- What is the prognosis and what can we expect?
Research the diagnosis by:
- Consulting with child life specialists and other medical professionals
- Talking to other parents who have gone through similar experiences
- Exploring the websites of reputable organizations that address childhood cancer, such as: Children’s Oncology Group (COG)
3. Be Honest and Truthful
As parents, our natural tendency is to protect our children and shield them from anything that would cause them pain or distressing emotions. So we may have a knee jerk reaction to sugar coat a diagnosis of cancer. But children pick up on far more than we realize.
Here are some reasons why honesty is essential:
- Children can read signs that something is wrong, even if we don’t tell them explicitly.
- They often experience more anxiety and less trust when they haven’t been told the truth.
- Being honest right from the beginning allows your child to trust and count on you.
- Accurate information helps children avoid guessing or imagining, which can make things worse than they are.
- Explaining treatments and why they are being done can lead to greater cooperation from your child.
- Honesty about side effects or pain of a treatment helps children feel more confident in knowing what to expect.
- Pretending everything is “okay” can lead to children feeling they need to pretend as well, potentially resulting in: behavior problems, regression to younger behaviors, tantrums, aggression, or anxiety
4. Use Simple and Direct Language
Simple and direct communication is essential for dealing with childhood cancer because it helps children feel more informed, empowered, and supported throughout their treatment journey. Here are some helpful tips for communicating with your child about childhood cancer:
Correct Terminology
- Use the correct terminology in your discussions to avoid fear and confusion.
- Avoid using vague terms like “sick” and instead use specific language like “cancer”.
- Be careful not to attach words like “good” or “bad” to describe cancer, as this can lead to negative self-talk.
- Use descriptive language like “anesthesia” instead of “put to sleep” to avoid confusing children.
Acknowledgment of Feelings
- Model your own feelings (e.g. “I am really sad that you have cancer and have to stay in the hospital”)
- Name what you notice (e.g. “It looks like you are angry that you have to stay home from school”)
- Ask questions (e.g. “How do you feel about the operation?”)
Reassure Your Child
- Remain truthful about the plans to help them get better
- Assure them that you will be there with them
- Acknowledge that the needle will hurt for a second, but will be over quickly, and that you will hold their hand
- Honestly tell them how the chemo may make them feel and that they are doing it because the doctors think it will help get rid of the cancer
5. Manage your own Emotions, Anxiety and Fears
Be sure to address your own questions and fears. It is natural and expected to be fearful and anxious after a childhood cancer diagnosis. When you feel overwhelmed with emotions and/or anxiety, it might be helpful to talk to a licensed professional counselor to help you manage those emotions as you help your child manage the treatment phases of cancer.
By being open, honest, and empathetic, you can make a big difference. And don’t forget, you’re not alone. There are many resources, support systems, and healthcare professionals available to help you every step of the way.
With patience, compassion, and determination, you can help your child thrive, even in the toughest times. And together, you can emerge stronger, more resilient, and more connected than ever before.
*Carleen Newsome, MS, LPC, CPCS, ACS is a licensed therapist with a passion for helping adults, adolescents, families, and couples. With a background as the former Director of Clinical Services at the Summit Counseling Center, she is also a certified supervisor with both CPCS and ACS credentials, making her a trusted guide for other therapists.
Summit Counseling is a trusted North Atlanta community non-profit providing a wide array of professional counseling services to individuals, couples and families since 1990.