For years, I thought I’d never celebrate Mother’s Day… not because I couldn’t have children, but because I didn’t want to have children. Don’t get me wrong… I thought having a family was a great idea, just not for me. I just didn’t think I’d be a good mom. My husband and I at the time were on the same page… shook on it if you will. (Wink, wink)
But after 6 years of marriage and a move to Roswell, something changed. Now for those of you that don’t believe in some sort of higher power you may wanna check out here. It’s okay, it won’t hurt my feelings. But for those of you that do, continue on.
We were just getting settled in our new life and things were going great… until. I remember the day clearly, I had this crazy feeling that I wanted to have a baby. WHAT?!?!? NO WAY!!! Must have been something I ate. But it wouldn’t leave, it just continued to stay, and honestly nag at me. Of course, I didn’t tell anyone, especially my husband, he’d freak. If I’m being truthful I was freaking out. This can’t be real. Where’d this come from? So I sat on it for a while – weeks, actually months. If I don’t talk about it, it isn’t true. Right??? But after weeks of staying silent, I finally mustered up the courage to speak. To say it out loud. You can imagine how smooth it went over with my husband – think super-crunchy peanut butter!! His immediate response was the same as mine, “NO WAY. We had a deal, no kids.” Told ya, smooth as silk.
We didn’t speak of it again. But the feeling was still there and it wasn’t leaving. Three months passed and we are at dinner celebrating what I thought was a sale he’d closed. You can imagine how shocked I was when a little blue box was placed in front of me.
“It’s for you.”
I opened it, because, duh, what girl doesn’t want something in a little blue box? There it was, the bracelet I’d been wanting! I grabbed it and tried to put it on, but when I did, I noticed something was engraved on the back of the disk. Let’s have a baby! I froze. What? Are you serious? Does this really say that? After months and months of silence! This part is a little foggy because I was so excited I’m not sure what I said. But I do remember the feelings! I was so elated! We’re gonna have a baby! I’m gonna be a mommy!
We left the restaurant and I immediately called my mom. I told her we were gonna have a baby. She thought I was pregnant. Probably should have worded it differently. But I think that telling her we were going to try was a gift. She thought that day was never coming. I am an only child, so her chances of being a grandmother were slim before that day. It took us 10 months to conceive, and the rest is history. It happened, I became a mom. Something I never thought I’d be. If you’re reading this, you probably already know that Creed was born 3 months early and that he spent the first 91 days of his life in the NICU. You know that his entire life he fought numerous illnesses, that he was tube fed until he was 2. I could go on and on with all the things he overcame. To say that motherhood took it easy on me who be a big ol’ lie. But I loved every tough minute of it. Every one.
But did you know that I was chosen to be his mom? That it wasn’t by chance that that sweet baby was placed inside me. That tugging inside my heart was from God. He wanted me to be Creed’s mom. Me! The one who doubted that she’d be a good mom. Me! The one who said no to having kids. Me! Some days I have to remind myself that I am still a mom. Losing him 5 years ago was the worst day of my life and nothing will ever compare. Having that ripped from my hands so quickly. But I am still a mom. I am still HIS mom. No, you won’t know that on Sunday when I walk in the restaurant to celebrate without him. And you won’t wish me a happy Mother’s Day because you can’t see him with me.
It’s okay, because 12 years ago on December 3, I did become a mom and nothing can ever change that!
As we approach Mother’s Day, if you are like me and lost a child – this day is hard, but you are still a mom! You were chosen to be the mother to all of your children. It wasn’t by chance… at least not for me. (Wink, wink)
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you,